Making It Better for 2019

A new year...on a practical start I need to adjust not typing or writing 2018 on my stuff and that is about the only major change for me cuz nothing really changes after the fireworks went off. Yes, I drank and ate a little more and I wished people for a better year, to start fresh, new beginnings. In the harsh reality, life sometimes don’t prepare you for anything. You can make mega plans, drink less, gym more, make more money or take that glitzy, bank account busting vacation.  All these comes to nothing when we don’t love more (love in the very broad sense). Some stubborn old wounds takes time heal and it drains so much energy that we put it in the back burner. Wounds remain open and not tended to. Some will start a new year without a loved one and that is something no one should ever take for granted. Some people may not have a job to return to and some will have people walking out of their lives. Struggles hasn’t change from 2018 and will continue into 2019. Different year, same s#%t. When it’s time to put the leftovers away, empty wine bottles, we will continue to clean life’s very own brand of mess. In fact we will spend a great amount of time doing this. But cleaning up we must, our spirit and our soul. Be a better person all around. I succumb to saying harsh words all the time, I am no saint. If you take away all the materialistic elements in life, there’s really more to this pretty world. Being kind to others is a good bet. You strike gold most times. Kindness comes back to you in another form. It takes a bit of practice to be able to see it. You will see it. Celebrate your little wins of the day. Maybe you helped an elderly stranger cross a busy road or you assisted a colleague at work.  Reach out to that offensive neighbour or relative, they might not be who you painted them out to be. They too have their story to tell, so let’s not be too quick to judge.  If there’s a new year resolution you need to make, let it be something less tangible.  Do things that nurtures your soul, be thoughtful, give others a bit of your time, your ego can take a back seat.  Let your tears be tears of joy and sadness, not regrets.  Remember the nice things that person has done for you, radiate the same love and spirit, pay it forward. It will eventually come around to you. ❤️ Have a blessed and beautiful year ahead.

With love,
Shaz

I did the right thing...move if I am not happy...

I applied for my first HDB flat in 1994 in Sengkang, Ponggol..I was 23, eager to have my own place with my then boyfriend.  Like every typical Singaporean couple, deciding to apply for a HDB flat was akin to a marriage proposal.  A mature estate was not within our means so we decided on Sengkang which is under the care of Ponggol-Pasir Ris Town Council.  The big attraction of this new town was the promise of a waterfront estate with lots of amenities for sea sports activities. My husband and I got married in 1997 in between the horrible long wait for our marital home. Imagine our enthusiasm...visiting our flat every month, taking photos to document the time lapse. We got our bunch of keys 2 years after we got married but the house was not home. It was tough commuting between work and having to drop my toddler to his grandma on a daily basis. We just can't do it everyday..no way.  We waited for the flat to complete for over five years and from the time we sold it in 2009, I am not sure if we stayed in it for 30 days in total. It became our weekend home which we spend lots of time dusting as it was empty during the week. It was too far from a child care centre, far from my mother in law.  There were hardly any amenities and no sign of that promise of a dream estate.   We just couldn't live in Ponggol even though we spent a great deal of time and hard earned money renovating my dream home which was not meant to be.  While we understand it was a new estate then, it needed time to mature.  Its been over 16 years now, we still hate the estate. Each time we drive past, we would somehow look at each other and realise how lucky we manage to sell the flat to a new FT. We never bonded with our house and definitely never love the estate till today. It is lifeless in our opinion.  If I was still a resident in Ponggol today and to have my MP threaten me like a ruffian, denying us of our basic rights, I have to look elsewhere sorry. Fortunately for you, Mr Teo, the opposition candidates are not that credible at this point, the majority will still vote for the ruling party.  The time will come when the tables will turn.

Thinking of buying or adopting a puppy?

I am dog ranting again...I have a lot of time ...so before you plonk a few hundred bucks on a puppy...I wish the seller would ask you some "don't bluff yourself" questions: 
1. Do you have time...HONESTLY? 
2. Can you stand a dog barking?
3. Do you allow your dog to roam freely in your house?
4. Are you allergic to hair, fur, dander, saliva etc
5. Do you mind picking poop DAILY?
6. Do you have persian rugs that are waterproof? 
6. Do you have the patience to bathe a fidgety puppy when at the end of the bath session, you are wetter than the dog?
7. Do you mind having your headphones chewed to oblivion?
8. Are you willing to spend some hard earned cash for grooming...
9. Dog..like human..they get sick...vets make a good living...nuff said.
10. Which of you willing to go for obedience school?
If you are thinking too hard now...perish the thought...dogs are not for you. If you are already a dog owner...we all need to attend some revision classes to learn how to scoop. Sadly many skip classes.
If your answers are mostly yes...good luck then...cuz most answers may become a no after you bring the dog home.  I love my rascal...I do have my ground rules, mind you I DON'T SPOIL the dog all the time...dogs are smart...they know who to reciprocate the love....and sometimes they just have to bark and jump. 
THESE ARE QUESTIONS YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF...NO STUPID SELLER WILL ASK YOU SUCH QUESTIONS...THEY WILL BE OUT OF BUSINESS...
I think the deal here is BE FAIR BE KIND. We need to understand their language...the puppy is also learning to adapt and understand our body language our world. Find an equilibrium and all will be happy. Brownie is only 1 year old...give him a break....

Doors of Malta

Photo credits to Dr. Jeffrey Twitchell-Waas, a friend currently residing in Malta after a work stint in Singapore as a Dean of College in an international school in Singapore.

I once told Jeff that I love rustic doors and he said he had just the right thing for me.  He sent me photos of these vibrant doors found all around the cobbled streets of Malta.  I absolutely love the solid colours on some of these doors, especially the warm reds.

These photos formed part of an assignment he was working on for some literature on Malta's tourism.  Jeffrey, I believe, must have taken that extra effort to snap a couple more of these for me. 

Malta is not your usual choice destination for travel but if you love history, amazing architecture with a strong Catholic influence (98% Catholics) with 350 churches around Malta (a church for every 1,000), this could be your next stop.

http://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCkQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FMalta&ei=OJZUU-y4DcWlrQft7IHgAw&usg=AFQjCNE2cM0dkU5A5c38zy-9Tl6oQ6dkaw&sig2=UY74VR5-eGyUCQuiJFtyTA&bvm=bv.65058239,d.bmk

Marina Bayfront, Singapore

Marina Bayfront.  Taken with a Canon Powershot SX30is.  A nightmare for night shots, but managed to eliminate some noise here.  One of my better shots.  Love the trail of lights coming from the barricades.

On a quiet street in Melaka, Malaysia

A random shot of a shop, no sign of any activity, the paint is old, thick layer of dust...wonder what's in there. Location: a street in Melaka, Malaysia.  Who's bike is that? Taken with a Sony Cybershot.

What is Success?

Staying positive is the key to many successes in life.  Its a mechanism that tunes your inner gut to control your brain by telling the bad guy who is lurking in an obscure corner, to get the hell out of your path.  Many times our own negativity can become an obstacle in our pursuit for better things in life.

To be deeply happy for a person in his successes in life is often hard to do without feeling a tinge of envy...the bad kind.  A spanking new car, a designer apartment or a good class bungalow, a dream job with a fat paycheck and all expense paid trip.  A winning formula to make any average Joe cringe and wallow in self pity.  Nothing wrong feeling this way and nothing wrong with Mr High Net Worth (Mr HNW) flashing his wealth.  He works hard for his money.  No one knows how much sacrifices he has made, how many labourious hours he clocked at work, how much hell he faced from his boss, after all we only see the fruits of his labour.

So Mr HNW post photos of his ski trip, beautiful and recognisable landmarks of the world drapes the background. He checks into one of the finest Michelin-star restaurant, parties at Pangea, gets invited to the Paddock with F1 drivers with poses with them holding a glass of Moet and just about everything that shouts ENVY...very green indeed.  Nothing much you can do about it.  You basically start blaming your folks for not sending you to a  top University, blame your grandparents giving birth to your parents, friends or worse your spouse for keeping you home leaving you no time to network with Mr HNW.  Ouch that hurts.

I really hate whoever coined term "high flyer" which my colleague uses time and again.  "Oh my friend has no time for me, she's a high flyer..." So what makes me?  A "low flyer"?  A certain amount of success in life culminates to being happy.  I am constantly harping on the Happiness Quotient (HQ) in my life.  I am consciously seeking a higher level of happiness.  Your HQ differs from every Tom, Dick, Harry, Peter, Paul and Mary.  I can be happy earning $5K a month while Miss High Flyer earns $20K.  Sure, her pocket is indeed deeper and while she wears Prada, I wear Bata. I probably sleep better than her and perhaps my Bata is better cushioned than her Prada and she could get blisters, corns and bunions. "wink"

Life has got no meaning if we chase the warped kind of happiness.  I was going home one day when I saw a man, hunched over seated on the floor at the bus interchange.  He seem shorter than an average person which I believed he probaby had a stunted growth.  He could probably walk as I see no walking aid near him and could possibly find a job you may say.  However if society scorns and thinks this person is unable to contribute to the work force, he has no choice but to beg.  We have been listed as the richest nation in the world but we have yet to become one of the most generous people around.  Can't we give unconditionally?  You can always give from the heart.  Compassion.  Share.  Don't question.  I dug into my not so fat wallet, drop a note into his plastic tray, he gave me a half smile, but it made me happy all the same. I am not sure how far my $2 can take him but I parted a little of what I have to make things a little better for a fellow human.  A few others acknowledged his presence, some walked away but made an unexpected u-turn for him.  Many thought he was a rubbish bin.  I did a mental note how many stopped to give, the results were astoundingly disappointing.   To be able to give, no matter how little, that's an intangible happiness, to me that is a form of success in life.

To have love and unity in the family or to have all the money in the world.  Tough choice but keeping all things constant, we will choose the former.  We have heard too many stories of people having money and no love.  People having money to buy love.  Lets not dwell with those who have no money and no love.  People being abandoned because they have no money.  Quite recently, a lady in Singapore won a jackpot at one of our casinos but the casino was defaulting the payout and wanted to compensate her with a car.  She brought them to court and won.  She won big.  Friends, relatives and even strangers all wanted a share of her winnings, all wanting her to be a good samaritan.  Due to the lawsuit, she became a household face and when the pressure became too great, she did the unthinkable (for some) - she gave them all away to charity....in order to tell the world, "hey, don't come to me, I have no money now, so who's my friend now?".  Isn't this how the world works, we want to be friends with the rich but not the poor.  People drop names just to be one step above you. 
Be friends with people from all levels of society.  One of the top executive in my workplace will never smile at me.  I haven't stopped smiling at her.  Will she relent one day - I don't know.  Perhaps to me, I had no place in her life.  I was made to feel like a microscopic germ.  A top executive but totally devoid of any basic manners.  Is she successful?  On the contrary, the cleaning lady on my floor, she is success personified.  A lovely lady, faces trash everyday but her friendly disposition makes all the difference...and I still feel bad she has to clean my desk.  So I make her work a little easier, I try to keep my desk clean and tells her my desk need no cleaning, probably once a fortnight for a thorough scrub.

I want to teach my children, that a good education alone does not make one a success material.  Its about how you treat your friends, your parents, grandparents, the gardener who sweeps the courtyard.  Attending an elite school should not breed arrogance and cockiness.  Its a privilege, that's all.  All of us want to become people of good character.   Having straight As does not equate having a straight A character.  Best to be remembered as one with an upright character, one who cares about society, the environment and most importantly knowing how to respect another fellow human being.  That to me epitomise success.

.....As we welcome 2013

Coming to the end of another crazy year, I sigh with a sense of relief.  Having two boys taking the PSLE exams two years in a row and now that everything is over with the new school year starting in less than a week, suddenly it all seems like I am now on cruise control.  My closest friends, though not many, know me as one who is laid back and passive parenting seems like an easier choice for me.  Lead by example.  If you yell at your kids, they will yell at you at some point.  You speak respectfully to the people  around you, your children will naturally emulate.  When my boys fumble, I also reflect upon myself.  Maybe I did the same and they think its alright too.  They are only 12, you think they can decide what's right or wrong?  To a large extend, they are really just kids.  That's why I take a step back and put myself in their shoes.  Its not easy being a child in Singapore.  In academic terms, there's just too much to study in a year, they are continuingly fighting for time, tests after tests, exams after exams. We seem like a happier bunch.  There's much more a stigma to fail your exams these days than years ago. After exams, my motto for them is "play all you want!". However, when its time for serious work, your kids need to know to stow their gadgets aside, at least for a while.  Not easy though.

I was extremely pleased with 2012.  My junior passed his exams and I know he did his best, that's what I need him to do regardless of the outcome.  He did not disappoint me yet surprised me.  He even proved a teacher wrong.  When a teachers tells you that your child is limited, you ask yourself if its true or you try to prove her wrong.  I did not tell my child the teacher shared this anecdote with us, how could I?  It was only when my child drive home an A for that subject that I told him that to have faith in oneself.  Only you and you alone can decide what you want in life and never let anyone tell you that you are finished or cannot ever succeed. 

As the days go by, everyone gets on with their own lives.  I get preoccupied with my immediate family.  I don't see my folks, siblings, nieces and nephews as often as I would like.  I try to make an extra effort to make time for them, even if I have to break my routine once in a while.  I think I am entitled to a bit of flexibility.  A break from routine is also refreshing to the soul.  It doesn't need to be a big family outing.  I realise a short drive to mum's place, for coffee and some good time chat and nibbles brings the family closer.  I am glad I don't need to take a plane to see my folks and siblings.
I have many expatriate friends and I can see how much they misses their friends and families when they make Singapore their second home.  I don't blame them for dashing out of Singapore the moment school vacation starts.  There's no place like home.

I spend most of my Christmas holidays going through my photos and videos I made over the years.  I particularly enjoyed watching my kids when their were babies and little tiny tots.  I often look at stranger's babies and envy the moment they have with their child.  But I quickly recall that I too had my moment years ago and I did savour it like they did.  The videos do help me remember and to relive those moments very vividly. 

With the year coming to an end, I wish to embrace 2013 like a new friend.  I want to get to know the world better.  Break some routine, get out of my comfort zone.  Talk less, see more...maybe eat less.  As much as I enjoy my food exploration, I am hoping to introduce more greens into my diet.  Cut out the fatty food.  Eat 70% full.  This may sound like a new year resolution set to fail.  I am not sure if I have to put all these writing on the wall to remind me not to eat the skin of fried chicken (KFC).  Someone's going to eat it, so am I making someone else eat my fats?  I think small steps are a better bet than giant leaps. I have forgotten how my gym looks like now.  I gave myself too many excuses. 
Its wonderful to see photos on Facebook of family get together, over a meal, at a park, a beach.  I wish to see more of these than reading if Mr X likes Carlsberg or likes Scoot.  Please do not get upset if you find yourself having lesser friends, if you are even keeping track.  There will be one or two people you have befriended but have made no difference to your lives, feel free to delete them.  There's a high chance that you have also been deleted from some of your friend's account.  There's no need to stress over FB.  If you find that you need to get gratifications from seeing 101 likes on your food post, go get a life.  If you don't like what you read or see, just move on. 

In this festive season, just spare a thought for those lonely people out there.  Some you know, some you don't.  In your own way, just pray for those whose family are torn apart in some ways you won't ever understand.  Do not judge.  Some are suicidal, some are sadden and lost in this big big world.  They have no friends to turn to.  Best friends are not in their vocabulary.  A few kind words for them could sometimes save their lives.  As the world becomes more and more a cruel place, with mindless killings, shooting incidents and irresponsible hit and runs, causing loss of lives, let us just pray in our own faith that the coming new year and many years to come bring more peace to the world.  Peace within the family, within oneself, inner peace.  Surround us with more love and harmony.  Keep it simple.  All we need is LOVE.

Happy New Year to all my love ones and friends and those dropping by to read my ramblings.  Take lots of photos of your loved ones, places you visit, things you have, food you eat...

To my spouse, my boys, family and friends, I luv ya.

Shaz

Taipei Interrupted

On a busy street in Ruifang

There's just too many things to savour in Taipei during our short stay of 7 days. Along a narrow one way street on Da An Steet, Royal Palace hotel was spot on, close to the action and main transport line. Unlimited supply of espresso, the much needed wifi, complimentary fresh fruit platter and minibar drinks daily. Even a considerate toilet seat to warm my butt.   I visited the Taiwan Tourism office prior to my trip and they gave me a commemorative EasyCard which we gladly topped up to facilitate commuting. It sure beats fumbling with unfamiliar currency and mind boggling conversions. Train fares are extremely affordable and network highly efficient. Mum had no problem getting a priority seat. Commuters are gracious and impressively orderly for a crowded city like Taipei. What I also noticed was how the city was designed with lots of consideration for people on the go. A little thought really goes a long way.  There were phone charging and wifi stations in train stations for those very desperate moments. While some train stations have no glass panelled barriers, somehow the civility of the commuters makes it less of a worry. Their "stand on right of escalators" took a bit of adjustment. The left-hand drive was enough to make us clowns as we often attempt to open the driver's door when our transfer came to pick us up at the airport.

The city is vibrant and people very hospitable. Maybe they could tell we were tourist and want our buck. The cake shops were irresistably attractive, I felt like a poor child looking into the beautiful shop decked with lots of icing cakes.  While I cannot consider coffee to be their forte, I can see why when every 500m you stumble on Starbucks outlet. Generally cheaper to consume in Taipei.

A view from the top of Jiufen

Street food (dai pai dong), don't get me started. I am not a fan of Thai rice, so when my first bowl of lor bak (braised pork) rice was served, I was surprised that Taiwanese use short grain rice like the Japanese. As I like my rice slight sticky, you can imagine how happy I was. If you patronise at a particular stall, the owners would let you snap a photo or two, the others I would much prefer to wait until they get busy and I shoot. Never attempt to take a picture when they are idle. They are probably too grouchy to bear with a trigger happy me. Was ticked off on two occasion, one was a lady outside a temple selling lotus flower. At Jiufen, I had a mouthful for asking too much, perhaps I should have bought something from her to shut her up, but I was the visitor, she was the host. But they were isolated cases, some were simply happy you took an interest in their products. If you are a foodie, you got to head down here yourself and experience Taiwanese food in its full glory.

Smelly Toufu

The best beef brisket soup on our trip

Mega Sausages

I have no qualms eating from a street vendor as witnessing the general public chowing down their meals quite happily, what's there's to be afraid of getting dysentery. I was more than happy to have a go at where the locals hang out, although the mean stench of the smelly tofu was a wee bit over the top. But as a tourist, I was ready to embrace the country, smell and all.  I'm not sure if I can succinctly journal the essence of Taipei on this 4.5hr flight back home. I somehow have a feeling that there's more of a communal living here than back home. We were utterly tickled how when the garbage truck comes around, a shrilling version of "Fur Elise" fills the the air. We dropped our not so nice coffee and stood there to watch something which we have never seen. Every shop freeze whatever they are doing, made a quick dash to dump their own trash, some even toss their neatly separated trash into a compartmentalized machine. A little section reserved for edible food scraps for feeding animals. No food wastage.

You can skip the big department store like Sogo. Go where the locals go.  The markets are packed with food stuff fit for Chinese New Year.  Waxed and preserved meats everywhere, some are visually not very appealing but I bet Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Food would be very keen to devour.

Climate rocks!  When you are in Singapore, the humidity gets you real bad.  The 15 degree on average was a joy!  No worries of melting make-up.  I love it.

There's just too much to even want to pen it down, I have just realised I had taken over a thousand photos, just a few here to share.  A picture speaks a thousand words.  We are all in denial, but we also love coming home to our own pillows.

Party of 8 @ Dr Sun Yat Sen's Memorial L-R: Me, Paul, Marcus, Gab (nephew), Gerry (sis-in-law), Mum-in-law Irene, Ryan & Peter (Bro-in-law)

Merry Christmas and looking forward to some gastronomical adventures in 2013.

Best wishes to all for the New Year!

Yours,

Shaz

Shopping haven @ Xi Men Ting

Superb Engineering @ Taipei 101

Fab Four at Chiang Kai Shek

I feel safe already!

Marcus, Gabriel & Ryan having sausages...again at Jiufen

At Jiufen, uncle tells me more...

Kong bak bao...yummy!

Fresh seafood prepared right before your eyes

With my sister in law Gerry, having some or luak, zha jiang mian & blood cake soup!

Lor Bak Rice with pickled vegetables - AWESOME!

The upsized...

Markie celebrated his 12th birthday, luv ya!

Lessons in Life - Your Heart Knows Best

As with any ice breaker, it is always difficult to start a conversation, to start a piece of writing. An artist with a blank canvas would ponder where he will get his inspiration for his next piece of oil. I have not written for a long but there were just too many thoughts seeping in and draining out in the course of my busy life. Each time I reminded myself I need to pen those thoughts somewhere lest I forget them, which I usually don’t and some topics do make really good coffee shop talk. We have a myriad ways to access media, an electronic device may be your newspaper, who need fingers stained with ink. I glazed through global issues, acknowledge that things happen for a reason or for no reason. I am apathetic to politics and have no inclinations to dabble into them. Their topics too dry. I grew up in a society which decides what is best for me. While I agree the educational system in Singapore is competitive and somewhat compromise on my childrens’ holistic development, I think it’s the great in many ways. It may not work for some but its one I can manage and have thrived. What affects me most are when innocent lives are taken for no rhyme or reason. A by product of an insane world where violence are depicted everywhere. What is more chilling are the perpetrators are not stupid but are once very intelligent individuals. Some things just snapped. I once attended life-coaching. I paid to learn how to understand my life, to discover myself, where my strengths and weaknesses lie. Not sure how it benefitted me but I think it did some good for my business and for my own personal development. Having had no experience running a floral business, I needed to know what my USP (unique selling point) was that could help me boost my sales. Competing against the big players was dumb, I had to put up my own show. My product was the same as any others, but I had to tap into my inner self to add value to my product, tangible or intangible. I suppose I was sincere and naturally, quite a few of my customers became my friend. There were also a few black sheeps who took advantage and never paid for the goods I delivered. A repeat customer “bought” 99 stalks of roses during Valentine’s Day. His girlfriend got her roses but I was left high and dry, I didn’t get my money. I basically gave the bouquet away. I believe what goes around comes around. I never pursued further after a few attempts in locating the cheater. Funny how my product brought people together but also tore relationships apart. I knew too many of their dirty secrets and that could also be the reason why they found another florist. Some got married and stopped sending flowers. Some had me send two bouquets to two different locations. Trouble is, I had wives cornering me to divulge where the other bouquet went as some idiots have forgotten to inform me not to issue them receipt which The Wife obviously intercepted. One showed up at my shop front while I was out delivering. I had coffee nearby until I saw the coast was clear to return to my shop. Some couples do split as a result. Professionally, I do not disclose where bouquets are delivered but I think their lies caught up eventually, unfortunately. This brings me to discuss why people do what they do? Here I mean, emotional and physical infidelity? Right or wrong? Forgiveable or unforgiveable? Acceptable or unacceptable? Generally people are quick to judge. Normal, human instincts. Try scratching the surface a little more and we could maybe understand why people stray or attempt to stray, successfully or unsuccessfully. It’s a whole psychological topic which is so complex that shouldn’t even be discussed here. Even we ourselves cannot support our basis for such transgressions. That also means we have not fully understood our own psyche. We feel dejected when we are spurned by a lover, we suffer in silence while the other moved on way too quickly. We know too well what is not good for us yet we become even more drawn to the wrong kind of love. There’s simply too many intertwined factors that could result in a sporadic fling. Maybe at that moment, it felt right. So is it wrong? Think about it. What is even harder than the transgressions is closure to a relationship. It may take weeks, months and for some, years. Some may think closure was achieved only to experience a relapse, like cancer in remission. The relapse can be a make or break. Through some divine intervention, some succeed. Sometimes in life, there’s no clear distinction, some areas are indeed gray. The heart is still the nerve centre of your body. It controls everything, you better believe it. If you think what you do is right, then its right. You take charge of your life, no one else.

Best Friends...

There comes a time when you do a stock take on your life. Family members, friends, colleagues, casual acquaintance, ex-partners, past lovers, foes...I am sure all of us have a share of a unique concoction of people in your lives. So you have lots of friends, maybe 800 friends on Facebook yet when you do need someone to share a problem or to share a joy, freak out and don't know where to go.

You have just been promoted, after calling your immediate family members, who is next on your to call list? Who are the ones listed as favourites on your smart phones? For many, there aren't. When you are 6 and have a best friend, you want mum to invite her for your birthday party and play paper dolls with her. When you are 16, you have a best friend to catch a movie with. At 26, she helps you choose your gown and calm your nerves on your wedding day. At 36, we share tips on parenting and fret over kids. But who really is your friend? Who would share that New York cheesecake with you and help sabotage that diet plan? By 60, I hope to have a bosom friend to have tea with, make achar, cook babi pongteh together.

A good friend lifts you up in sad times and share the joys with you in good times. You can both not meet but yet you know she is there when you need her. You feel a connection, your ears tingle. When you ring her, she tells you she was just about to pick up the phone to do the same. There's a tinge of telepathy, you think alike, you feel for the same stuff. That's what chemistry is about, there's an formula that completes a puzzle. You can second guess her, think ahead of her, knows what she likes, buys what she needs. A good friend is observant, she can feel when you are down or tell you off when you slack. You can tell her things you can't share even with your sibling or spouse. She doesn't judge. She is not afraid to tell you her darkest fears, her insecurities. She can tell you about her weight problem as she found a soft spot for a particular ice cream. She asks you why, when, how, what if, should I, or should I not...she knows you won't lie. If you think you have a friend like her, keep her and hang on to her for dear life. One who can keep a secret and would take it to her grave. In today's harried life, you have no time to foster close relationships. You have no time to meet, no time for coffee, no time for lunch. Children zaps our energies. Spouses are demanding. In laws need to be kept happy. Mum complaining not hearing from you. Siblings want to meet up, not just on birthdays. Have we gotten that busy? Think about it, maybe we do have time.

A friend will call you for no rhyme or reason, maybe just to hear a voice. A simple text message, a smiley emoticon, a corny joke, a mutually understood acronym, just to say you are thinking of him or her. You never know how much that means to someone you care about. It just make life so much more bearable....so much sweeter.

Pick up that phone and call a friend today. I just did. Have time for them and they will have time for you.

How's it so far?

So I was told 2012 is THE YEAR FOR THE THOSE BORN IN THE YEAR OF THE BOAR. I had the maximum 5-star rating. A great year I was promised by a Chinese geomancer who read the highs and the lows of all the 12 Chinese Zodiac signs during a CNY programme. Black and blue is my auspicious colour (easy, at least they are not asking me to wear a fushia boa for good luck).

So much for a great start, spending the first few minutes on the throne, and now nursing a stubborn cough since the second day of the Lunar New Year. After I have wished and shook everyone's hands at the strike of midnight, I disappeared into my favourite room in the house. I emerged several minutes later wondering what I ate wrong and where my relatives were...they left.

Still coughing as I am typing this. I wonder what the year ahead is going to be like. I am liking it very much so far. The mood around the air is great,people around me are happy. Other than the cough, my cheeks are ruddy, hair is looking great, skin with a slight hint of the sun. I have been told to be cautious as those born in the year of the boar will be rather attractive...this year only.. so cash in or not? Not taking it literally of course but I knew what it meant. I could sense its going to be a pleasant year with less squabbles, a more harmonious ambience within the household. Less power struggle as I can see I am going to be the one to take the back seat and let others drive. I am tired and want to spend more time on me. I want to see my friends, see my aunt who is visiting from Australia, take my God-daughter for a meal, have ice cream with my buddies, travel with my family, do things at whims and at my fancy. My boys are independent, they need a break from mummy. She nags and at times erratic. That's me. I can be so predictable and unpredictable all at the same time.

Into my 40s officially, I have earned a certain right to be who I am. Take me as I am. Love me, love my imperfections. Perfection is such a ugly word, as life was never meant to be perfect. Those seeking for one is not for this world. Be thankful for who you are, be thankful for the people around you. You'll be amazed who could turn out to be your worst enemies and someone you least expects becomes your best friend through some unexpected turn of events. Treasure those people as your paths are meant to cross. Sometimes they will make you a better person through their outloook in life, through their sharing about parenting or becomes a mirror, someone to keep you in order. I could deal with that.

Other than this cough, I guess its been a great start. There's love in the air, the mood is good, career is stable, colleagues are great, why should I complain, and if it ain't broken, why fix it?

Whatever your zodiac say of you, keep it at the back of your head just like the occasional nagging you get from mum. Don't be foolish to place your last $100 at the casino just because your geomancer tells you to. Yes, I have been a foolish girl but have learnt from it that why I can now say this. Learn from mistakes but there's always the good and bad lurking side by side. Too bad, they need to coexist.

2011 was a great year, many happy moments to remember. That's already a part of history. Look ahead and seek new adventures. Be brave and take bold steps, big big strides. In retropect, you can dare say, "at least I tried".

Its going to be a busy year for all. A blog entry at the end of the month for a start. Afterall, its therapeutic for me. A way to unwind, recharge, download, offload my thoughts, to be in sync with the heart. That's all that matters and I know there'll be a few reading this.

Its late, I need to recharge, ready to face the world again.

Good night folks. Sweet dreams!

S.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

Alright folks, just when you have gotten used to writing 2011 on your cheque books, its time to make the same mistakes again come 2012. The year, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes and the seconds are ticking way too fast for me, for you, anyone with me?

I am not sure how many of you like me have a cluttered work desk but in the midst of piles of papers, there's a photo here, a picture frame there, a piece of drawing your child did at play group, a sketchy penmanship of your 5 year old that says, Happy Mother's Day? Memorabilia to remind us of the passage of time. Then it dawned on you that your little child is now turning 13 and ready to embark on another journey. It daunting to be reminded that the clock is indeed ticking mercilessly. Everyone is aging, coping with wrinkles, age spots, greying hair and whatever comes with becoming a year older.

In a few hours, we welcome 2012. To some, its a radiant new beginning, to some, another dark, painful year, with nothing to look forward to. Some have great pay bonuses while some will wonder if whatever little they have will see them through the month. Its been like a long distance run for me.
At some stage, I pace well. At times, I sprint and many times I pant. Its the uncertainty of the physical and emotional momentum that we are often not prepared for. We don't know how far the drop is. But we just close our eyes and hope we survive the fall. Isn't life all about risk-taking?

The kids had great gifts this Christmas; a smart phone, and mp4 player, a nintendo wii, Nike Pegasus (while my trainers are in dire need for a trip to the cobbler). Its all about the kids isn't it? My biggest wish for 2012 is to see my family happy and indeed, they are. No skiing trips but Hong Kong was just as awesome. The company was all that matters. I just make sure they know mum and dad work really hard to give them a well deserved gift and their obligations is to be good kids and to do their best in school. A good friend had to be away on work stint for most part of the school holidays, as it comes with the job. To make a living, to provide for the family. If you don't give your family the best now, then when? The fragility of life is very frightening. There may come a time when we can no longer provide. Embrace them while they are clingy for they will not be so very soon.

New year resolutions are archaic. I never make them and never will. Do yourself a favour, don't. Live for the here and now. I hit the gym less than 10 times this year and the scales didn't lie. I enjoy my food escapades with my family way too much to be worried about whether I fit into my Levis. So what if you are a couple of inch wider, not gonna hurt anyone? You know your own body better than anyone. Listen to your body and take good care of it. Eat all you want but know when to stop.

Nope, I am not going to fret the small things in life. Be happy you still have a job, your children, spouse, parents, friends, best friends, lovers and that they are all well, and truly be happy inside. We are all communal beings, no man is an island. Reach out and talk to someone. You never know you could save a person's life just by opening up to him or her. Be a better person, be generous, don't talk behind each other, hard to do but try. I am still struggling with this for the longest time. Don't talk about others because we are also easy targets for gossips. Its so hard to be good, so easy to be bad. If there's ever a need to make a new year's resolution, let this be one. To be a better person, period. That alone encompass lots of elements to make the world a better place to be. There's always a way out, just open up your world and get out of that dark tunnel. To those short-sighted, narrow minded, selfish people, I hope you'll be enlightened in some way. Be nice and don't take unfair advantage of people. What goes around, comes around.

To all my acquaintances, friends, siblings, colleagues, my closest friends, my husband, mum and dad, have a Funtastic & Happy 2012. Let the good times roll. I wish you and your family well, hope to see you more often and looking forward to hear your happy stories. Cheers to all and to my special ones, I love you dearly...

What Matters Most is Love...

Many of my friends and acquaintances whom I "see" regularly on Facebook have posted photos of their children, including myself and tapping open their photos to reveal the beautiful interaction between parent and child and the deep bond my friends have with their children.. indeed heartwarming. 

The imminent day will come when we grow old and eventually fade from this earth, how will our children remember us? Have you wondered what the eulogy would be? If there's even going to be one for that matter? Being the positive me, assuming there is. What would your children say about you to the world. Have you influenced their lives greatly or are you one that your child resent and not wanting to be associated with? Or rather to be a person who have made such an impact to the people around you and to be immortalised in that very brief eulogy, so people will know you, as a person, a spouse, a friend. You will be surprised how little people know about you.

It's a very profound thought which I recently had. Being a person who cares about what others thought of me, I want to leave this world knowing I have touched someone's life. Even if its just one person, it will make my life worth living. I may not be that rich tycoon to donate a hospital or fund a school project but closer to home, have you made a difference to your child's life. The child will know when you are nagging and when you meant well. Will your child proudly profess to their own children when they become parents one day say, "you know what, my mum and dad was there for me, for richer and for poorer...", just to borrow a line.

We have evolved to become greedy, self centered people that we often use monetary or material rewards to barter trade time with our children. We get too engaged in your career building so we can hoard enough for our childrens' needs. Nothing wrong but what message are we telling them. What seems so right can turn out to be so wrong.  Are we giving them the wrong signals. As parents we work hard, I'm sure we want our children to appreciate the long hours we toiled , the overtime we do, the late night staying up to finish a presentation. They must know that it's not a given. My parents don't owe me an education. Count your blessings if you are born into a well to do family, your parents can buy you an education but the boy who helps his dad deliver newspapers at the break of dawn, he has just as much a rewarding life than anyone out there. He is emotionally rich in his relationship with his father. He loves his dad enough to offer his time.

I wasn't born with a silver spoon. We've had our ups and downs. I never once blamed anyone for having lacked anything. It was something that has to happen to make me who I'm today, not a charmed life but a complete person, one who has been through some test in life. I can tell you this now that I have done my homework in the dark. Been there, done that. But with that brief episode in my life, I can appreciate basic things I now have. I can only say it doesn't matter how little or how much I have. I have now a shelter over my head, hot meals on the table, a lovely family with a caring spouse, my folks are well, charming siblings, a niece that adores me and my boys to keep me on my toes.

To me, there's so much one can have, and one can have only so much. My agenda in life is simple, to bring up my children to the best of my ability, give them the time they deserve. Engage them in your conversations and don't think they don't understand what's going on. They observe but they may not tell you what they see, why should they? Keep life simple, we really don't need a whole lot of things. It will all come to nothing one day. The intangible things like time, feelings, thoughts, kind gestures, they'll go a longer way than most material things, and people remember you through that.

If you live a life like a hermit, you will die a hermit. Stretch out your hands and reach out, show a little love, tell that person he/she looks well, share a story, be that listening ear, be humble and ask for help, smile and say thank you to the person that hands out the free papers every morning at the train station. Not difficult. The petite lady at the train station gives me my papers and with every copy she greets, never ever missing a beat. That must have been a record breaker for the most number of times a day one says "good morning sir/madam". I was having a quick lunch one day and 2 ladies who seemed like foreign domestic helpers wanted to share a table. They were so polite that I was slightly embarassed. "May I share your table?", one of them asked, that did it for me. From now on, I will use this phrase, rather than "anyone sitting here?", see the difference. We learn from one another, never be a snob. Good manners reflects good upbringing.

Nothing else matters like loving your loved ones like there's no tomorrow. Enjoy the moment, seize every opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate and love them. Better to let them know when you can than when you can't.

Don't be afraid to love...


    

My Bucket List

I am sure you heard the expression to "kick the bucket". Makes me ponder what will be in my bucket list. Its quite thought provoking. Its about things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, places I want to visit before I die. So inspired to start my very own list here. I have yet to have 10 most wanted things to do let alone 101 things to do. But I think 101 seems a good number to work on. It may not be some some out this world goals like visit NASA space station but little things like grow a plant, paint a picture, something so trivial yet I never got around to do it. I get caught up with daily routines and start giving myself all sorts of excuses. Then before you know it, I will start regretting not having done this or that after knowing how little days I have left in my life.

I am starting one now, just randomly recording things I wanna do at some point my life. It gives me some direction and meaning to my short existence on this earth.

Not in any order of preference...life isn't about rules remember
If there's any chance I can get some help in achieving these goals, I'd love to hear from you, could be a suggestion on a place to visit etc.

1. Take my mum and dad on a holiday
2. Own a convertible
3. Visit Holy Land
4. Sponsor an orphan
5. Write and publish a book
6. Decide on my final resting place
7. Make a time capsule for my boys
8. Renew my marriage vow
9. To tell someone "the hell with you"
10. The world is too big, so I wish to travel half the world instead
(I had dreams about São Paulo, so Brazil is a must)
11. Ride on a horse
12. To be on a Harley on a freeway (my hubby will not ride on a 2 wheeler ever)
13. Get on top of the Empire State Building
14. Go skinny dipping
15...... oh I think I can go on and on...this is fun...

Marriage….is there a used by date? (Part One)

In a couple of hours, my cable network will be devoting the entire week to the wedding of the century. In 1981, Princess Diana and Prince Charles charmed the entire world with their fairy tale wedding. Prince William, the very fact that he is a prince makes the world sit up, plebians like me want to know how pompous the royal wedding will be. Prince William marrying a commoner would have earned him a few extra brownie points. This was the only thing that made me realized that the monarcy has opened up and have accepted that love meant everything, doesn’t matter Kate Middleton’s parents merely owned a party planning business albeit a rather successful one. I will be witnessing it on telly for the second time, the first when I am 9 and now 31 years later. To some, it may be their first. It will be a educational ride for my boys to see how being born into a royal family, the whole world wants to know you, every single detail that goes into the planning, consisting of security, logistical and every iota will be scrutinized. For me, it will be to know what Kate Middleton’s choice of flowers would be.
With so many weddings you hear about, there’s just about as much number of divorces you know about. Some even very close to home. Think about that aunt of yours, a friend, a sister, a brother or even yourself, who has been through a amicable or ugly divorce. Its so common these days, maybe we should have legalise a drive-thru divorce kiosk. I am sure somewhere around in this planet, some entrepreneurs are already cashing in on this one.
Not dwelling into the contractual obligations in the legal proceedings of a divorce. I just want to know at which point do you say, “listen up mate, I think I had enough of you, I don’t think I am going to spend the rest of my life living with you, goodbye, see you in another life!” I doubt there will ever me such a statement uttered to an ex-spouse. Surely there must be some good times to cherish, right? So how can you turn around and tell this person whom you stood with before the justice, pledging that “only will death do us part”? What happened to the vow? If it didn’t mean anything to you, why say it? Does that mean, marriage is simply an institution? Maybe marriage is passé. Two people in love, living together, have children, why is the marriage paper necessary?
We hear their stories, biased and often we don’t get to hear both sides of the story, its almost impossible to empathise with one and not feel anything for the other. Human beings are not made to be impartial. Lawyers are paid to be partial, so they need to take sides. I want to be on the side of the “victim”, but how sure are you that the other party is not the “victim”? A lawyer friend of mine discouraged my son from taking Law as a profession. Its tough and its miserable, I quote him. My friend refuses to handle divorce cases, it painful he said. This comes from someone who married a public prosecutor.
Maybe human beings are like any other animals, made to mate with multiple partners. So every marriage has a use by date…is that it? Having said that, I often marveled how some folks stay married for 50, 60 years. It’s so amazing, when two people, still holding hands like when they were 16 years old, still got the hots for each other when they are old and feeble, its often an awe, to wonder how they are made for one another probably until they reach the end of their lives. Quite recently, I read of an elderly couple in Canada winning the lottery. They were richer by several million. They gave away their winnings to charity. They are clueless on how to use the money and quite frankly, do they really need the money? That is 100% charity, 0% greed. I would just cringe, oh, just give me 10%, that’s all I need…

Marriage with a used by date? How did that happened? To be continued……

The Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from  England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of  Europe . I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To  Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.  At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re going to love it there.’
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

- a friend whom I least expected sent me this, came at a moment when I felt so vulnerable, so exhausted and everyone just wanted a piece of me. I cried as I was reading this. At times, it all gets too much. Behind the facade, I struggle to be the best mom, the perfect wife, the exemplary worker, to be in touch with my Saviour. How can one handle so much just to keep it all together. I have always felt invisible, but now I know someone is watching, God sees. That's all I care. If you can, share this with a someone you care about and let them know that they are appreciated.

The Passage of Time

I was struck by how time was ebbing away while I was at mum's place over the weekend. Mum's place was always an escape for me. Going back to my former bedroom which dad now occupies, I could almost re enact the memories of my childhood. My room overlooks a playground, this very playground my son fell off the playground equipment 4 years ago and had to be whisked off in an ambulance and treated for fractured tibia and fibula. There was also a multi-purpose court for badminton and sepak takraw and a row of shops which has now changed hands many times. There was once a video rental shop where mum constantly patronize to get her Hong Kong drama series fix. The mama provision store sit directly below my living room, where we bought our freshly grated coconut, beer and ciggies for visitors. Gopal, the shop owner who counts mum as a regular regular and allowed us to buy these questionable items without questioning. I swear we were tempted to knock 3 times on our floor with a bamboo pole and Gopal would send up our groceries. Some things never change, I still tell my mum, "hey I will meet you by Gopal's shop". I wonder where he is now.

Mum has a knack for making the house look pseudo new and refreshing although we've had this home for close to 25 years. She rearranges the furniture, just little adjustments here and there and viola, a new look. We think mum's a genius, a Martha Stewart or sorts. The house recently got a fresh coat of paint after some retrofitting works (home improvement scheme from the govt). Mum's thrilled she got 2 new toilets, new pipes, new kitchen floor, a new fire proof door and wrought iron gates which was literally falling apart. I was hoping to win a big lottery and buy my folks an apartment but since I don't see that happening anytime soon, the new fittings was just what my parents needed. On hindsight, mum always made the home very cozy even though we don't have expensive furnishings. The softness of the tea lights that illuminate the home was enough to make you indulge into a sweet slumber. The harshness of fluorescent lighting can be such a killjoy to anything. Everything looks better fuzzy.

So going back to where I started, going through some of my personal belongings still boxed up in one corner of the bedroom, lies old photo albums, school yearbooks, the odd Home Economics textbook, a stack of birthday cards, letters, diaries, autograph books, things I have forgotten that I even had. Its almost surreal to read those old aerogrammes from old friends, diary entries that still amazes me. Recalling places I have been, food I have eaten, people I have been with, movies I have seen, with who and where. What really amazes me are my primary school friends still remembers me after 30 years. I begin to wonder if they remember my smile or that I was a nasty girl hanging around the old National Library before school hours, not necessarily to borrow books but also to do with some boys in white uniforms with green badges who hung around the vicinity. Reminiscing, I miss that library down at Stamford Road. You almost feel like an academic doing your research in that massive landmark, every book that came with a library card and date due stamped on the first page. Its all so personal back then, now my librarian is a machine.

There's a part in all of us which yearns to go back in time just for a day, to relive the moment, to unite with friends we left behind, to say the things we didn't get to say, to tell them how sorry you were, how much you actually love them but because of choices we had to make then.

I became aunt to a new born baby on Valentine's Day. My younger sister delivered a bouncy baby much to the delight of everyone in the family. Its been almost 11 years since we last had a baby in the household. About time I thought. It was such a thrill to hold a baby. I have almost forgotten how to hold one, to smell them which I feel almost obliged to do. These new born have that unique scent that can never be replicated. My baby sister is now a mother. Feeding and tending to her child, she's now so complete, no longer the little girl I used to know. She's all grown up and ready to embrace motherhood with all her heart and soul. Describing the pain she had to endure without an epidural. While just few short years ago I was listening to her talking about her varsity days.


I am somewhat of a hoarder. I have problems parting with things that may mean very little to some people. I will even keep a stub of a train ticket or a cinema counterfoil. I'd see them once every few years, noticing much they have mildewed and eradicating the occasional silverfish which was chowing up my photo album. My boys are actually enjoying reading what my friends wrote about me in autograph books some 25 years ago. They asked if I still kept in touch with this person or that person. Some I said are in my iphone contacts but many I have lost touch or moved to another country or worse, left the face of this earth.

These are "priceless", I quote my primary school friend who saw my posting of a movie advertisement which I have kept and dated. I did that for a short while. After the watching the movie, I'd go back to the papers, cut up the ad, stick them on a notebook, date them, rate them and who I went the move with. I am sure my friend didn't remember ever having watch that movie let alone with who. I now understands why mum still keep a denim jumper that my sister wore in the early 70s. The same jumper I wore, then my younger sister, its ridiculous. But some things just last forever don't they? Now where did mum kept that woolen booty I wore as a baby. I am 100% sure its around. Now should I even wonder if my mum kept my sister's dried up umbilical stump. I like all things old-school, don't blame me. I just cannot keep up with the latest gadgets. I have problems managing digital photographs, but getting better.

Time, ticking away mercilessly. Listen, that second just gone. If you don't freeze it, don't over estimate that memory of yours...but I do wish time could be slowed down especially when you are happy and yearn for precious moments to linger a little longer. I am not ready to deal with my son's acne problem. That explains why people say "funny how time flies when you are having fun".

Parenting...my style

Over the last few weeks there were some thought provoking media I came across which dabbled on the topic of parenting. I decided to reflect on my own style of parenting. Wall Street Journal and New York Times does its best when you like to ponder over opinions. Amy Chua, Professor of Yale Law School guarded her children with an iron fist, dragon-lady, child abuser...call her what you want. She is now subjected to critics, several detractors that slams her style. Strangely and from her claims on a lot of Chinese parent, her system works, so what can you do about it?

I don't know which style of parenting is more widely adopted, but with any relationships, there's no right or wrong and its none of our business to judge. Our very own parenting style would be equally subjected to scrutiny. If a child excels in school, displays good character and ability, then we immediately assume that he was well brought up and it reflects good parenting. Then its vice versa.

My dad was self employed and runs a company selling American stainless steel cookware. He was a busy man but gave us what I thought was adequate attention. Mum was a housewife and she took care of most of our needs. All three of us were mostly given the liberty to manage our homework. My sisters and I had the opportunity to learn classical piano but I wondered if it was ever our choice. For me its was "sister did it so I should too". It never lasted. We never had tuition even though my second language and math were just mediocre. It was only later in junior college when I needed to get a pass for my second language did my parents offered to hire a home tutor for me. Even with that extra help, my foundation wasn't adequate to see to a pass. We spoke mainly English and dialect at home. Mum spoke fluent bahasa malayu and Dad was bilingual. We watched lots of Mandarin programmes, Cantonese drama serials but mainly it was English pop songs that blasted from our boombox. English sitcoms like Family Ties, Different Strokes, The Cosby Show were our staple.

I don't recall mum and dad ever coming to parent teacher conferences (was there ever one during my time?). Not that they didn't want to but it was never required. I guess we didn't cause much of a stir in school to warrant a school visit. So long at the end of each semester, we brought home our report cards without a comment like "your child is seriously...... We usually get good comments from teachers anyway (ahem). That was probably good enough for my parents to know that we are not going to join the secret society. When it was time for us to enter secondary school, any school was a good school. Co-ed it was. We had a "no boys allowed" policy for the longest time. My 18th birthday was the only exception, and that's the moment when my folks finally worked that out, that at 18, I need boys in my life.

We were allowed to buy casettes, pop magazines, fill our bedroom walls with centrefold pin ups of idols, peeling off paints at the same time. We kept our rooms relatively neat and if my memory didn't fail me, my sister only had 2 girlfriends for a sleepover. It was convenient as we had 4 bedrooms, so rooms were more than enough. But never the other way around. My parents always had issues with that, and I have somewhat adopted their style, sleepovers were restricted to cousins. My first sleepover was when I was 17 and we had to bunk with my buddy after a night at the disco. We took turns to wash our ashtray smelling hair, chatted till 3am, and waking up late morning with breakfast prepared by the lovely mother of my buddy. But that's also because we didn't want to pay for midnight surcharges which for a college student, extravagant.

Although mum and dad were strict, they had reasonable curfews. We had to be home by 11pm. I think now that I am married with a family, I have quite naturally kept to that curfew. Not that I am a party pooper, but I just have obligations to my family and I don't think anyone should fault me for that. I guess because I was brought up in non-traditional Chinese family, which resulted in what we are today, I can conclude that have had a pretty decent and happy childhood. My boys are allowed to stay up late during school vacation, watch TV, play computer games, the freedom to choose their CCAs, select their own clothes, have the latest toys, eat whatever they want. I am guilty of bargaining though and some form of barter trading. I give them the freedom in exchange for good grades. I don't expect straight As, but would be a real bonus if they did come home with As. I will get really mad if I felt they have not put in their best effort and that is when I take away privileges. I have been chatised for being so laid back, my expectations of my children so low. I never once bought a cane and never will. I have never spank my children and never will. I have never yelled at my children and never will. I respect them for who they are and I expect the same from them. Every child is unique and the last thing you want is a clone. If you want your children to be your friend, you have to befriend them first. You get to their level and then you will understand why they do the things they do. Children want to be independent just as adults, we don't like to be caged up or dictate their every move. Children do know what they want and what they don't want. Eg. Son No. 1 was approached recently by the head mistress to stand for election for the post of Head Prefect. The boy politely turned down the offer and apologised that he was happy to just remain as regular prefect. Simply because he felt the need to focus his attention on his school work. Some parents would have jumped and trust me, I was a bit uncomfortable about his lack of interest in developing his leadership skill and was getting too cushy in his post. I queried him, heart to heart, why he turned the head mistress down without much consideration. He then told me that he would need a lot of time campaigning, and the opportunity cost being time away from homework, plus he may not necessarily get elected. While I don't necessarily agree with him, I respected his decision. Now he is happy and even happier to be a campaign manager for his classmate, like Joe Biden for Barack Obama, a running mate. Another scenario, both the boys were asked if he would like to go to Suzhou for an immersion change programme. Heavily subsidized and great opportunity for learning outside the classroom. I was like, "go go go, good for you" but the boys were like "no no no, not good for us without mum and dad!" They were not ready to travel without us, well so be it. "Another time then," I said, "whenever you are ready".

To me, even with a best fool proof formula of parenting, the best input may not equate the best output. We will not know how our children will turn out. There will be lots of trial and error, mistakes big and small. We just have to give it our best shot and pray for God's blessings. If you think you have done your best, then by your personal standards, you have. So what if you pay thousands for violin lessons, you can't force your child to join the orchestra if he has decided to be banker, instead he display his stradivarius in his office.

Gotta go get them home from sports practice, I leave you with this thought....