Over the last few weeks there were some thought provoking media I came across which dabbled on the topic of parenting. I decided to reflect on my own style of parenting. Wall Street Journal and New York Times does its best when you like to ponder over opinions. Amy Chua, Professor of Yale Law School guarded her children with an iron fist, dragon-lady, child abuser...call her what you want. She is now subjected to critics, several detractors that slams her style. Strangely and from her claims on a lot of Chinese parent, her system works, so what can you do about it?
I don't know which style of parenting is more widely adopted, but with any relationships, there's no right or wrong and its none of our business to judge. Our very own parenting style would be equally subjected to scrutiny. If a child excels in school, displays good character and ability, then we immediately assume that he was well brought up and it reflects good parenting. Then its vice versa.
My dad was self employed and runs a company selling American stainless steel cookware. He was a busy man but gave us what I thought was adequate attention. Mum was a housewife and she took care of most of our needs. All three of us were mostly given the liberty to manage our homework. My sisters and I had the opportunity to learn classical piano but I wondered if it was ever our choice. For me its was "sister did it so I should too". It never lasted. We never had tuition even though my second language and math were just mediocre. It was only later in junior college when I needed to get a pass for my second language did my parents offered to hire a home tutor for me. Even with that extra help, my foundation wasn't adequate to see to a pass. We spoke mainly English and dialect at home. Mum spoke fluent bahasa malayu and Dad was bilingual. We watched lots of Mandarin programmes, Cantonese drama serials but mainly it was English pop songs that blasted from our boombox. English sitcoms like Family Ties, Different Strokes, The Cosby Show were our staple.
I don't recall mum and dad ever coming to parent teacher conferences (was there ever one during my time?). Not that they didn't want to but it was never required. I guess we didn't cause much of a stir in school to warrant a school visit. So long at the end of each semester, we brought home our report cards without a comment like "your child is seriously...... We usually get good comments from teachers anyway (ahem). That was probably good enough for my parents to know that we are not going to join the secret society. When it was time for us to enter secondary school, any school was a good school. Co-ed it was. We had a "no boys allowed" policy for the longest time. My 18th birthday was the only exception, and that's the moment when my folks finally worked that out, that at 18, I need boys in my life.
We were allowed to buy casettes, pop magazines, fill our bedroom walls with centrefold pin ups of idols, peeling off paints at the same time. We kept our rooms relatively neat and if my memory didn't fail me, my sister only had 2 girlfriends for a sleepover. It was convenient as we had 4 bedrooms, so rooms were more than enough. But never the other way around. My parents always had issues with that, and I have somewhat adopted their style, sleepovers were restricted to cousins. My first sleepover was when I was 17 and we had to bunk with my buddy after a night at the disco. We took turns to wash our ashtray smelling hair, chatted till 3am, and waking up late morning with breakfast prepared by the lovely mother of my buddy. But that's also because we didn't want to pay for midnight surcharges which for a college student, extravagant.
Although mum and dad were strict, they had reasonable curfews. We had to be home by 11pm. I think now that I am married with a family, I have quite naturally kept to that curfew. Not that I am a party pooper, but I just have obligations to my family and I don't think anyone should fault me for that. I guess because I was brought up in non-traditional Chinese family, which resulted in what we are today, I can conclude that have had a pretty decent and happy childhood. My boys are allowed to stay up late during school vacation, watch TV, play computer games, the freedom to choose their CCAs, select their own clothes, have the latest toys, eat whatever they want. I am guilty of bargaining though and some form of barter trading. I give them the freedom in exchange for good grades. I don't expect straight As, but would be a real bonus if they did come home with As. I will get really mad if I felt they have not put in their best effort and that is when I take away privileges. I have been chatised for being so laid back, my expectations of my children so low. I never once bought a cane and never will. I have never spank my children and never will. I have never yelled at my children and never will. I respect them for who they are and I expect the same from them. Every child is unique and the last thing you want is a clone. If you want your children to be your friend, you have to befriend them first. You get to their level and then you will understand why they do the things they do. Children want to be independent just as adults, we don't like to be caged up or dictate their every move. Children do know what they want and what they don't want. Eg. Son No. 1 was approached recently by the head mistress to stand for election for the post of Head Prefect. The boy politely turned down the offer and apologised that he was happy to just remain as regular prefect. Simply because he felt the need to focus his attention on his school work. Some parents would have jumped and trust me, I was a bit uncomfortable about his lack of interest in developing his leadership skill and was getting too cushy in his post. I queried him, heart to heart, why he turned the head mistress down without much consideration. He then told me that he would need a lot of time campaigning, and the opportunity cost being time away from homework, plus he may not necessarily get elected. While I don't necessarily agree with him, I respected his decision. Now he is happy and even happier to be a campaign manager for his classmate, like Joe Biden for Barack Obama, a running mate. Another scenario, both the boys were asked if he would like to go to Suzhou for an immersion change programme. Heavily subsidized and great opportunity for learning outside the classroom. I was like, "go go go, good for you" but the boys were like "no no no, not good for us without mum and dad!" They were not ready to travel without us, well so be it. "Another time then," I said, "whenever you are ready".
To me, even with a best fool proof formula of parenting, the best input may not equate the best output. We will not know how our children will turn out. There will be lots of trial and error, mistakes big and small. We just have to give it our best shot and pray for God's blessings. If you think you have done your best, then by your personal standards, you have. So what if you pay thousands for violin lessons, you can't force your child to join the orchestra if he has decided to be banker, instead he display his stradivarius in his office.
Gotta go get them home from sports practice, I leave you with this thought....
